Was That Consent?

"I'm just going to pop a finger in."

"Just a little scratch."

"Just a bit of pressure."

If you have given birth, you have probably heard a version of one of these. Said quickly. Said mid-motion. Said as something was already happening to your body, not before it.

At the time, you might not have questioned it. You were in labour. You were frightened, or in pain, or simply trying to get through the next contraction. It did not occur to you that you could say no, or ask what it was, or ask them to wait.

But afterwards, something about it sat wrong. And you have not had the words for why.

What Consent Actually Means

Consent is not a warning. It is not a sentence said as someone's hand is already moving. Consent means being told what is about to be done to your body, and why, and being asked, before it happens. Every time. Not once at the hospital door. Every single procedure, every exam, every touch.

This applies to vaginal examinations. It applies to membrane sweeps. It applies to fundal pressure, sometimes called the Kristeller manoeuvre, where a care provider pushes down on the top of the uterus to help move the baby. It applies to episiotomy. It applies to anything done to your body during labour and birth.

When that step is skipped, even if the intention behind it was good, even if it was routine, even if it was quick, something real has still happened. Your consent was bypassed.

Why This Is Not "Just How Birth Works"

There is a story many women are told, quietly, without anyone quite saying it out loud. That birth is different. That things move fast. That there is not always time to ask. That you should be grateful nothing worse happened.

None of that makes it consent.

Other areas of medicine do not work this way. A doctor would not reach for a needle or a scalpel without telling you first and asking. Birth has, in many places, been allowed to become the exception. Efficiency has quietly replaced permission.

If no one asked you, that was not a normal part of birth you failed to understand. That was your consent being skipped.

Why It Still Sits With You

This is the part that often confuses women the most. The baby was healthy. The birth was, on paper, straightforward. So why does this one moment, the finger, the scratch, the pressure, still surface months or years later?

Trauma is not defined by the outcome. It is defined by what happened inside you in that moment, the fear, the helplessness, the sense that your body was no longer yours to say yes or no to.

When something is done to you without your consent, your nervous system does not file it away as care. It files it as a threat, as something happening to you that you had no control over. That is exactly the pattern your brain uses to store trauma. Not the procedure itself, but the powerlessness underneath it.

This is why the memory can still catch you off guard. A routine check at your GP. A phrase that echoes something said to you in that room. Your body remembers what your mind has tried to move past.

A Reflective Checklist

These questions are not a diagnosis. They are an invitation to check in honestly with yourself, especially if you have been telling yourself it was not a big enough deal to count.

• Were you told what was about to be done to your body before it happened, rather than as it was happening?
• Were you asked, and given a real chance to say no, rather than simply informed?
• Do you know why each procedure was done, or were the reasons given after the fact, if at all?
• Do you still think about a specific moment, a touch, a phrase, a procedure, when you recall the birth?
• Does your body tense at reminders of that moment, even now?
• Have you avoided requesting your birth notes because you are not sure you can face what they might say?
• Do you feel a mix of anger, confusion, or shame when you think about it, without being sure which one is fair to feel?

If several of these landed, please know this. You are not being oversensitive. You are not misunderstanding how birth works. Something happened that should not have, and it makes sense that it has stayed with you.

What You Can Do

You are allowed to go back. You can request your birth notes from the hospital, which will set out what was done and, in many cases, why. You can ask your care provider directly to talk you through what happened. You do not need to already have the right words, or a clear timeline, to ask.

Naming what happened, even years later, is often where healing begins.

Therapies such as EMDR and Trauma Focused CBT are specifically designed to help your brain process stuck, fragmented trauma memories, so that what happened becomes something you can remember without reliving. I have written more detailed guides to how EMDR works here and how CBT works here.

A Validated Screening Option

If you want to explore your experience more formally, the City Birth Trauma Scale is a validated research questionnaire developed by perinatal mental health experts at City, University of London. It is freely available online and can give you a clearer picture of your symptoms. It is a screening tool, not a diagnosis. If your responses raise concerns, speaking with a qualified therapist is a sensible next step.

You Are Allowed to Call It What It Was

You deserve to look back on your birth without your chest tightening at the memory of a phrase, a touch, a moment you never agreed to. You deserve to know that naming it does not make you dramatic, ungrateful, or difficult. It makes you honest about what happened to you.

If you are wondering whether therapy might help, I offer a free 15-minute telephone consultation. No pressure. No commitment. Just a quiet conversation to help you decide what comes next.

Contact me here.

Frequently Asked Questions

What counts as consent during childbirth?

Consent means being told what a care provider is about to do to your body, and why, and being given a genuine opportunity to agree or decline, before the procedure happens. This applies to every examination and procedure, not just once at the start of labour.

What is fundal pressure and is it done with consent?

Fundal pressure, sometimes called the Kristeller manoeuvre, involves a care provider pushing down on the top of the uterus to help move the baby during labour. Like any other procedure, it requires informed consent beforehand. It should not be performed without explanation or agreement.

Can a procedure I did not consent to still cause trauma, even if my baby was healthy?

Yes. Birth trauma is defined by what you experienced internally, particularly feelings of fear, helplessness, or loss of control, not by the physical outcome. A healthy baby does not undo the impact of a non-consensual procedure.

How do I find out what was actually done to me during my birth?

You can request your full birth notes from the hospital where you gave birth. These typically set out the procedures performed and the reasons given at the time. Many women find it helpful to review these with a therapist afterwards.

Can therapy help if I feel violated by something that happened during my birth?

Yes. Trauma-focused therapies such as EMDR and CBT are recommended by NICE for birth-related PTSD, including trauma related to non-consensual procedures. These approaches help process the stuck, fragmented memories so the experience can be remembered without reliving it.

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